Riding With Sharks

Riding a bike in The Pines is not much different from swimming in the ocean … The indigents can [and often] do act like dim-witted predators.

After all they’re about the same size. The trucks, I mean.

The common sense rules of swimming in the post-JAWS ocean are as follows. Where applicable replace “sharks” with “big-ass trucks” and “water” with “road.” Other than that, I ‘m sure you can find you own parallels.

1. Always swim in a group. Sharks most often attack lone individuals

2. Don't wander too far from shore. Doing so isolates you and places you away from assistance.

3. Avoid the water at night, dawn, or dusk. Many sharks are most active at these times and are better able to find you than you are to see them.

4. Don't enter the water if bleeding. Sharks can smell and taste blood, and trace it back to its source.

5. Don't wear shiny jewelry. The reflected light looks like shining fish scales.

6. Don't go into waters containing sewage. Sewage attracts bait fishes, which in turn attract sharks. [substitute "sewage" for "roadkill"]

7. Avoid waters being fished and those with lots of bait fishes. Diving seabirds are good indicators of such activities

8. Don't enter the water if sharks are present. Leave immediately if sharks are seen

9. Avoid an uneven tan and brightly colored clothing. I always keep a pair of Chucks and a Raiders baseball hat in my CamelPack. Should I blow out and need to hang at a local tav; I'm covered.

10. Don't splash a lot. Erratic movements can attract sharks. [i.e., dont' be too swishy.]

11. Use care near sandbars or steep drop-offs. These are favorite hangouts for sharks. [They like bombing hills as much as we do.]

12. Don't relax just because porpoises are nearby. Sightings of porpoises do not indicate the absence of sharks. Both often eat the same foods. [porpoise = chick truck driver]

13. Don't try to touch a shark if you see one! Never, ever say “Here kitty, kitty.” [Do not try to race an F-150. You will lose, every time]

14. If attacked by a shark, the general rule is "Do whatever it takes to get away!" Some people have successfully chosen to be aggressive, others passive. Some yelled underwater, others blew bubbles. I personally would go down fighting. [Take the first right - even if you dont know where it goes - then come back to your street. If there's another vehicle between you and 'the Predator' you're even better off.]