Trackside

I ventured out for my first post-vacation training run and was greeted by an extreme case of the "Mugglies."

Mugglies??? Muggy but in a very ugly way. It's so f'n muggy, you become a sweatball just walking from the porch to the street ... Hot fog ... Fog shouldn't be hot, it should be cool and refreshing.

Thanks to a scheduling anomaly (i.e., no one had planned anything for me to do after work), I was in a position to bail on the morning trot and hit the gym in the evening for a run and a bike.

I got to the Bally's around 6PM and through the next hour and a half I saw all my "buddies" ...

Leisure Suit Larry
Larry used to live a couple houses down from me when I lived with my family in Haddonfield, c. 1983. Seeing him at Bally's for the first time was quite a shock for me, since - back then - I was f*cking his kids' babysitter. She was sixteen. I think he may have known about it, too.

Tick Tock Black and Tick Tock Red
Some nights I'm having trouble keeping up with these two Asian guys, who used to have trouble keeping up with me. They both click off 6-8 miles at exactly 7:45 pace 1/2 lap apart. One usually wears all black, while the other favors red shorts, white tank, red headband.

Lean Mean Gene
Probably the oldest looking 52-year old I've ever met. He and I used to knock of six-, eight-, ten-milers on this 12 lap per mile track, without problem. Now, his knees are blown and I'm fat.

Doctor Boston
Joe may or may not have ever run Boston ... I'm not even sure he's a doctor. He just keeps that very steady, consistent tempo a marathoner would. He's German or Austrian or something Bavarian. The truth is, he looks like a small version of Laurence Olivier in "Marathon Man." If he ever asks "Is it safe?" I'll scream like a little girl.

Gina
She will spend an hour on the stepper, run only 5-6 laps, then blast past me. Once, she mis-timed her start and couldn't catch up (she was about 1/2 a lap short.) I finished my miles as she was cooling down.
"You didn't quite get me tonite," I said.
"Well, I be back on Wednesday. I'll get you then," she replied, emphasizing "Get" with a flirty wink.
"I won't be back until maybe Saturday."
"Oh well, I'll have to get you when I can, then," with another wink, smile and swish of her (firm) ass.
If all the girls at Bally's are just whores, I can't let my membership lapse.

Leigh Lehigh
She's the babe on the stepper, the kind that looks like half an escalator, with her back facing the track. She prefers to wear the baggie sweatpants shorts, with the waistband rolled over, jogbra, bare midriff - the whole Brandi Chastain thing going on, of which I am a big fan. I'm not too tall, so her reverse cameltoe is usually right there at my eye level as I go around the track, over and over, around and around. I thought from the big letters on the back of her shorts that her name was "LEIGH," but it turned out she went to "LEHIGH" ...




Fitness Center Blues

Jog bras and ponytails,
What's a man to do?
Camel toes and whale tails,
What's a dirty old man to do?

I just came in here to burn off my gut.
I found myself surrounded by low budget smut.
I should be counting reps, not looking at the butts.
Man, these girls are such sweaty little sluts.

Jog bras and ponytails,
What's a man to do?
Camel toes and whale tails,
What's a dirty old man to do?

Keep your eyes on the track just one more mile.
Hey there sweetie, won't you give me a smile.
I know the baggy shorts may not be your style
But I got a workout that beats Pilates by a mile.

Jog bras and ponytails,
What's a man to do?
Camel toes and whale tails,
What's a dirty old man to do?